Ojalá, Selah, Lateda

I ‘Heart’ Photoshop

In classic painting wagon wheel fashion tonight I did not finish decorating my tree. I did not finish writing my novel. I did not wash nor fold clothes. I did not work on any of the unfinished paintings or paper maché projects laying a round the house. I did not even wrap Christmas presents or make that list of the batteries I need to buy to make said Christmas presents work. No instead I played with myself in photoshop to see what could happen. I was on the phone with my Mom for the last part and I couldn’t make her understand why it was I was doing this. I told her it was political, which wasn’t really what I meant. She asked if it was a game and I said not really, but I still couldn’t explain it to her. I’m pretty sure I’m making some sort of cynical statement but there’s still a good possibility I’ll dig out the makeup to wear to church tomorrow.

Creativity

“How do you know if you are creatively blocked? Jealousy is an excellent clue. Are there artists whom you resent? Do you tell yourself, ‘I could do that if only…’”

 -The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron

Starting September 1 I’m going to be joining a group that will be working through The Artist’s Way. John Chandler, who writes the Creativityist blog will be facilitating. My mom brought me her copy of the book yesterday because I think mine got left in Mexico. I read the introductory chapters and was especially convicted by the lines I’ve quoted above. I know jealousy isn’t a very nice thing to admit to, but I don’t think I’ve ever pretended, hmm, well,  recently pretended not to have all sorts of neurosis where my art is concerned. The baggage I carry from the 2 years I spent at School of the Arts alone could fill a couple U-Hauls. But I think I’m ready to try and work through it, and I’m fascinated by the idea of doing it with an online collective. Accountability really is a big deal and I hope it will help me make it through. It really does look like it will be a lot of work but I’m excited. It was hard not to go ahead and start week one last night. I did get up and write what Cameron calls morning pages this morning. I figure it won’t hurt to go ahead and start getting used to that. Though right now my biggest concern is how I am going to manage to find a 2 hour block of time each week to take myself on an artist’s date and where we might go. Though The Funky Chicken Art Project is still on my list of places I need to visit, as is Matilda’s in Alpharetta, and then there is that gourd place on the way to Ellijay. I guess I’ll figure it out.

Funny Feeling

So I’m having a rather funny feeling this morning. There are several different things going on that could be the cause of it, the largest of which would be that in about 8 hours I will be taking my kids to North Carolina where I will be leaving them for a week. It’s not the first time I’ve been without them, and though it may be the longest time without them it’s not a lot longer than previous times. I’m not really sure while I’m nervous. And I really don’t have time to sit here and ponder over it. I have tons of work to do before I leave here at 3 and there’s really no reason to be spending time with the blog at all. Next week when I have the house to myself while the kids are off at Camp Cousins and Sebastian is at work, that is when I should write. I’ll be back then.

Funny Feeling - Part 2

I wrote about an hour or so ago about feeling weird and all I let myself express was my concern about sending the kids off to Camp Cousins. But the other things I feel weird about keep rolling about in my head. I think perhaps I should just acknowledge them real quick like and then I can really focus on all that I have to do.

So, my hair has been falling out for a while now and I’ve had a complete check-up and my levels of everything were perfectly fine. I’ve started taking a multi-vitamin and extra supplements of B-12 (which has helped my energy, thank you very much) but I have noticed a whole lot of improvement when I shampoo. I have tried not to let it bother me much. My hair grows fast and if it does completely fall out I can finally have that Sinead O’Conner style I was never brave enough to try in high school. But this morning I French braided my hair and when I held up the hand mirror to see how the back looked I saw a big blank patch on the side of my head. Ok, maybe not big, but definitely blank and it made my stomach drop a bit just to see it. I think I have it covered now, and it’s really not that big of a deal, but then again, it kinda is.

Another thing I’m aware of this morning is a shift in myself of a less obvious kind, and I actually don’t think it’s a new one. I think the shift took place quite a long time ago I was just especially made aware of it this week. I get annoyed at the lady who keeps my kids sometimes, but not annoyed enough to change my child care arrangements for the summer. Wednesday morning I wasn’t especially please by how some things went. When I came back to the office rather than coming straight back to my seat and getting back to work I went up front and dramatically shared the issue with about 5 people at once. They made all the right sympathetic noises and told me how right I was and then I went back to my desk. Again, not that big of deal. I got to vent, got a little attention, and went on with my day. But there is a certain feeling one gets when addressing a group, when everyone is paying attention and nodding and agreeing, or being shocked or whatever. There is sort of a high to it that I guess I had forgotten about. I think I used to be addicted to it. In fact, I think I could even go so far as to say that a fair number of the “craziest” things I did back in the day were not so much for the pleasure in the moment of doing them, but for the pleasure of the drama of re-telling them. 

I think this may have come up so strongly in my head last night and this morning because I decided to go ahead and let my “friends” know I have this blog. I think there’s a danger of me wanting to have something dramatic and interesting to share and feeling like I need to go out and create it. I hope I can resist.

And since loosing my job because I spend too much time typing on a blog is a drama I surely wish to avoid I really am going to stop now.

Oh, and I guess I should mention that I just figured out that I had the time stamp set for UTC instead of EST so this morning’s musing seem all out of order but that’s ok.

Dreaming is Free

So my friend told me yesterday that by simply asking she has gotten what for her is a dream gig taking pictures for a music magazine. Her passions are for live jam band type music and for photography. She’s got a great camera, a good eye, and lots of contacts in the metro area’s music scene. She doesn’t have a degree or much in the way of formal training but she has spunk. Boy does she have spunk. She just emailed a music magazine that features jam band kinda music a few of her pictures and asked if she could cover shows for them. And just like that they said yes. They will get her credentials to bring her camera into shows, get her the tickets and then pay her for the photos they publish. Ask and you shall receive. I am so happy for her and proud of her, and well, yes, a tiny bit envious. I say I have a dream of making a living by my visual art. I also have a much less spoken dream of actually writing stuff that people will read and be effected by. But I am light years away from contacting galleries or publishers. I have made up my sample milkjug top magnets but can’t even seem to get up the nerve to drive by the local folk art place to see if they are something that would fit in there. What is that about? Am I still so fear-driven and more to the point, what exactly is it that I am so scared of?The key to change… is to let go of fear. -Rosanne Cash

loving the it guy

Has anyone noticed how divine messages seem to come together in force when they are really needed? Our church has been having a series called God at the Office, the main thrust of which has been living out our beliefs in a way that they actually show during the work week. I think everyone, Christian or not, would agree that far too many people cliche-ly “talk the talk” without “walking the walk.” I heard the message and thought about a few ways I could do better. It didn’t really effect the way I worked this morning. Then I listened to Rob Bell’s sermon (All of You) for this week, and lo and behold, he was talking about the same thing. I started thinking more specifically about what I needed to change. Then later in the afternoon my daily verse and quote came from Sojo.net and it said…

“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?” - Matthew 5:46-47

- and -

“Contemporary American churches in particular do not require following Christ in his example, spirit, and teachings as a condition of membership—either of entering into or continuing in fellowship of a denomination or a local church…. Most problems in contemporary churches can be explained by the fact that members have not yet decided to follow Christ.” - Dallas Willard
The Spirit of the Disciplines

I got the message. I was convicted, perhaps almost repentant, then my coworkers decided the share with me the joke they had laughed at over lunch. They had been talking about who was going to be sent to the printer to oversee the printing of directory. My supervisor had said she would send me and a certain guy on our team. That was the joke. Everyone cracked up. They all thought it was hilarious. This is simply because I have made no attempt to hide the fact that I don’t think very much of him, personally or professionally. I can try and church it up and say he’s my “extra grace required” person, but it’s past that, I don’t like him, I don’t like the way he shares information and I don’t think he does his job well. And I have not kept this to myself. I may not say a lot with words, but my rolled eyes, my way of gesturing towards his cubicle, the things I imply but don’t quite say, my actions have been been plenty clear. I have been judgmental, mean-spirited, and just plain out non-loving. What a Christian example, no? And so now, it is painfully clear to me that my job as a person who wishes to follow the second greatest commandment as well as the first is that I have to show this guy Christ’s love. I am not excited about it. I’m not even sure how to start, though I did just get the idea that a couple of OJ’s be in order. The man loves him some juice. Anyway, even though no one is actually reading this blog I think that just typing this out and having it “out there” should help hold me accountable.

wired

So, I’ve made the leap. I called and signed up for phone and broadband service. It will be hooked up on the 10th. Life as we know it will be changing. Oh, how it will be changing. This morning Little Sebastian recited to me by memory several websites he was ready to visit. I’m feeling just a bit of panic.

desktop art

I am feeling very anxious at the moment, kinda trembly and weird. I am having trouble focusing on my work and instead am building paper swirl sculptures. Ever since I moved back states side and especially after I was introduced to myspace and facebook I have been thinking about particular people I would like to get back in touch with or at least know how they are doing. So today i just sent this email:

 Ever since my family moved back to the US in May of last year I have thought about trying to contact you and see how you are. I had a couple dreams about you then heard from Clay last year that you were doing well and he gave me your email address. (We keep in touch cause we both married Mexicans.) Then this past weekend I went to visit a friend who I left a bunch of old art with when I moved and saw the painting I had done of you back in the day. I was thinking maybe I should try and contact you when this morning I opened my inbox and found a link the book you illustrated. Wow, your illustrations are awesome! The story is so cute and the drawings so expressive and fun. I’m very impressed. I just thought I’d let you know.Hope you and your menagerie are doing well.Jennifer

 So anyway now I feel like I have made a horrible mistake and I’m anxious. That’s all.